★ Something that i wish i didn't Write ★

i never told anything about this to anyone .
but , if i only keep this for me alone , the burden is too big ...
all of this words is just like me babbling around alone ...

i ...
don't know where to start ...
but , started from 8th grade , i always wonder ...
" why am i alive ? for what reason do i alive ? what do i seek in this life ? "
when i'm in elementary school , i never enjoy my school life .
yes , that's true , and i'm not even joking about this .
but , everybody at my school now , thinks that i'm a bright girl that will able to overcome any problem that comes to me.
i'll say this ..
" THAT's NOT TRUE AT ALL ! "

i'm not that kind of girl . i'm human here . of course there's problem that i can't solve even though i tried so hard .
the first thing .
my biggest problem that won't be solved ever .
" I wanna be FREE ! i need my FREEDOM ! "

yes , nobody will get the true freedom in this life , and i know it best.

and , in elementary school , i always blamed for what i didn't do ... by my own friends ..
that's what makes me hurt most .
ah , also , i don't really have friends in elementary school. yes , can be counted in 5 fingers , maybe less ...

and , i'm too quiet to get any friends.
this is what i always thinking when somebody approaches me when i'm in elementary school.
" What ? i don't trust you , and i won't trust you . so that i won't be hurt ."

that's my complex .
even until now , i never show my true self , even at school , and even to my best friends.
it's just like i'm wearing a mask in front of them .

i ... am too fragile , that's why i protect myself and create a wall to protect me from the cruel life. even though i really enjoy my life now ...
there's so many friends that supports me , and laugh along with me ...
and also , i can learn that not all of them are bad . even though , there's still bad guys everywhere .

i really change now , without realizing it , i change myself into a different people .
but , i'm still me , and i know my friends know that.
but , really ...
i'm sorry , that the me in front of you guy are fake (half of it , though).
i just can apologize here though ... LOL ... it's not like i'm gonna shout about i'm being fake .
but at least , i wanna share this , so that people don't misunderstand me..
I really gratefull that i was blessed with so much happiness now .
and i believe , that i'll be able to destroy the wall and the mask that hide the true me .
and , i'll be myself ... anytime ...

please wait for a little more ... my TRUE SELF ...
i'll introduce you to all my besties one day ...